(last known source: http://www.mantis.co.uk/~mathew/user-guide.html)
Home Page Instruction Manual
As with any equipment, observe these basic safety precautions:
- Follow all of these instructions. If they are missing, please contact your
nearest authorized HTML service centre.
- Read these instructions before using the home page.
- Make sure that the home page is correctly installed before use.
- Remove the transit bracket. You must not operate the home page with this
bracket in place.
- Do not use the home page if it has been dropped or damaged, until it has
been examined at an authorized HTML service centre.
- Do not disassemble the home page. To reduce the risk of shock, service or
repair work must be done only at an authorized HTML service centre. Incorrect
reassembly can cause shock when the home page is used again.
- Do not immerse the home page in water or other fluids.
- Do not stand or sit on top of the home page; you could injure yourself or
damage the home page by such abuse.
- Children should not be allowed to play with the home page or tamper with
Please print out these instructions for reference.
Thank you for choosing Dave's home page. If used as directed, it may
provide several minutes of amusement. I hope that it will fill your home page
needs, for now and the forseeable future.
- Place an Aphex Twin CD into the CD player and start it playing.
- Position your body comfortably upon a chair or similar item of furniture.
- Ensure that your eyes are a comfortable distance from the display of your
- Load the home page into your web browser in the usual way.
Reading the home page
Dave's home page contains a large number of alphabetic characters. For your
convenience, these have been arranged into words.
To further enhance your pleasure, the words have been placed
together in meaningful combinations known as sentences and
paragraphs. It is therefore possible to derive meaning and enjoyment
from the home page, using the following procedure:
- Begin at the top left of each displayed page.
- Move your gaze from left to right across the lines of words.
- Use the optical regions of your cerebellum to recognize the words.
- Use the linguistic areas of your cerebral cortex to extract the meanings of
the recognized words.
- Enjoy the resulting meaning, using your higher brain functions.
If you have problems with Dave's home page, please check this
troubleshooting guide. Look at the list below and check the
suggestions given; they may provide you with the answer to your problem.
Home page makes no sense
This home page is designed to be read by people who speak English. If you
have trouble understanding it:
- Check that you speak English.
- Check that you are not stupid.
- Check that you are reading the words in the correct order, according to
Home page makes an unpleasant noise or vibrates during reading
In normal usage, Dave's home page should be noiseless and should not vibrate
- Check that you are not reading the home page near an airport.
- Ensure that you are not situated in an earthquake zone.
- Check that the CD really is Aphex Twin and not Nine Inch Nails.
Home page is leaking
From time to time you may find that a few concepts from the home page leak
into your mind. This is perfectly normal. If you experience excessive
leakage, there may be a fault.
- Ensure that you are taking any required prescription medication.
- Determine whether you have a warped sense of humour.
- Check for an obsession with Dave and a desire to bear his children.
- Examine your diary to see if you are doing anything Saturday night.
Home page is not visible
Dave's home page is designed to be displayed using light in the 400-700nm
range. If it is displayed using other wavelengths, it may be invisible to the
Check also that your eyes are open and directed towards the home page.
Home page stops unexpectedly
In some situations the home page may stop before you feel that you have
gained sufficient enjoyment. This is unavoidable. If it is a problem,
consider the possibility of further contact with Dave.
It is also possible on rare occasions for the home page to