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BertVille: Where Are They Now?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Where Are They Now?

And where would I be if I had stuck around?

Frankly, I don't expect anyone to be interested in this except me, but it needs to get written or it will stay stuck in the corner of my mind, like a splinter, until it gets infected.

(The caveat is that I'm still friends with some of these ex-boyfriends, which is fun because I don't have to date them, anymore.)

Boyfriend #1 (The Uppity): He was going to St. Paul Academy, a private high school for the rich kids. His divorced mother, who I can only assume took her ex for everything he had, lived just off of Summit Avenue in a grand, turn-of-the century home. And their lives were all that this implies. Had I stuck around, I assume I would be rich, uppity, and perhaps running a charity for poor children or abandoned puppies.

Boyfriend #2 (The Druggy): High school dropout. Currently, deceased. So, I would be widowed. Likely living in a trailer or a tent by a river somewhere with several fatherless children.

Boyfriend #3 (The Druggy II): Same as above, but still alive, as far as I know. I'd likely be frustrated, cheated upon, and spreading from having had four children. I would also be thinking about finally attending college.

Boyfriend #4 (The Nice Boy): Too nice, in fact. I became disinterested at all of his not-cheating and not-drinking himself to death. If I hadn't broken his heart when I left for college, I'd likely be teaching elementary school in Minnesota while he worked at his office job. We'd live in a modest townhome and have a 9 year old and a 7 year old.

Boyfriend #5 (The Drunken Frat Boy): His antics freshman year kept me feeling resentful and confused, so I'd likely be over-eating to squelch my hatred of him, by now. Possibly divorced, probably with children, and trying to support us on a teacher's salary.

Boyfriend #6 (See Boyfriend #8): College boyfriend... later revisited.

Boyfriend #7 (The Dominican): His home country was my Peace Corps assignment. He spoke English and was younger than me. I'd likely be living in Minnesota, teaching, and possibly have some lovely mixed-raced children, whom I would spend my time defending in the sleepy, mostly white suburbs. Or, we would live in a sweet Caribbean home in an upscale Dominican neighborhood, while I worked for USAID. I'd be missing my family.

Boyfriend #8 (The Goof Off): We met and dated in college when his goofing off was cute and age-appropriate. His motorcycle really won me over. But, after I had seen some of the world, it all seemed less charming. I'd likely be miserable, living in a tour bus, traveling the country swing dancing, while trying to write my memoir. I don't think I'd have had any children with him, given he was so much like a child in so many ways.

Boyfriend #9 (The Outdoorsman): Quiet, humble, honest. I'd likely be camping in the Sierra Nevada, or working in a fire tower somewhere. I would not have likely gone back to school, and would still be saddled with only a teaching degree. Therefore, I would have been recently laid off of work, since San Francisco cut the budget. I'd be nowhere near having children because of the nomadic lifestyle Outdoorsman led.

Boyfriend #10 (The Accidental Boyfriend): He danced with the Oakland ballet before I met him, but had been mostly club dancing and showing off his tattoos when we began hanging out. I'd likely be a lesbian stripper if we'd stayed together... because it seems like those are the people with whom he rolls.

Boyfriend #11 (The Rich): We traveled and had a blast, but couldn't find our communication groove. If I had stayed with him, we'd likely be in much of the same place we ended, fighting about his ex-girlfriend. Luckily, the break-up brought us both some important insights about ourselves.

Boyfriend #12 (The Cowboy): A two-stepping, heart-breaking, old-school man of the west. I can't imagine a world in which this would have lasted longer than several months, since we were destined to be just good friends right from the start.

Boyfriend #13 (The Dangerous): What the hell was I thinking? He was in the middle of a divorce. Enough said.

Holy crap, that's a lot of boyfriends. Keep in mind that it was over the span of nearly two decades. And, that I'm a slut.

Boyfriend #14 (The Keeper): Finally! The one for whom I was meant! I had to go all the way to a different state to find him, but it was so worth it. Kind, intelligent, sexy. We have fun and we can communicate. Despite his lack of tattoos, motorcycles, and alcoholism, he is a winning combination of fantastic qualities. I married this one. *sigh of relief*


Blogger Sara said...

Yay for The Keeper! It is interesting to think how life would be "If...". I shudder to think where I would be had I not met my Keeper. :-)

7:40 PM  
Blogger mamazilla said...

hee hee... i think i actually know TWO of those guys! ;)

KEEPERS RULE! they drive you apesh*t, but they RULE!

(ok. so MY keeper drives me apesh*t....)

12:12 PM  
Blogger verbivore said...

Makes me think about my list... Um. If you think yours is long... Interesting to think about the what-ifs, though, particularly since I still haven't found my Keeper.

8:22 AM  

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